Out of Sight...?

 ''I have checked-in my luggage and walking to the security now. Are you on your way back already?''
''No, we will stay until you take off.''
''That won't happen for the next 2.5 hours.''
''So?''
''Okay, FINE.''
My anger started to cool down, and I wanted to go back and hug my family and my dear friend. To this day, I regret walking angry into the airport, to start the journey, which had started this incredibly long vanvaas. If I had the chance, I would have done it differently. I would have not fought with them on our last day together before I left for Belgium. Typical tiny family nok-jhonk. Two years later, I still crave for the departing hug and recall the tears as I boarded the plane that brought me into the most exciting years of my life. Who knew I had to stay away for that long at a stretch
How can time seem both fast and slow, depending on the case? 

• I started my master program. I blinked. And it was all over. It involved a monstrous bite of learning, getting to know a handful of people, and free expansion process of the mind. 

• I started living away from my family. It feels like 20 years. All the plans to go back crashed beautifully one by one. 

Well I did expect to ''miss out'' on a lot, but with only 3.5 hours time zone difference, high speed internet and video calling, you have immediate access to everything and everyone, it's practically like you're there, right? Right?

In the years, came small and big celebrations where I was always missed. People I was REALLY waiting to have kids, had kids. Some people made my childhood really amazing and I was always looking forward to being a cool Aunt or cousin to their kids. I simply can not. No amount of video call could make me play guguthi with them but that's a compromise. Okay. Things happened in an around my tiny town. I mentally walked around Mandi, recalling each tiny detail, eventually ending up in my peaceful place - by the river - where many hours were spent playing and sitting and thinking on the way back from school. It feels like a dream. Something that wasn't ever real. I expected some of this when I decided to go to another country to study. But due to the twist of events, it has been so long that I haven't got a chance to go back yet, nor does it look good in the near future. Close friends apparently started disliking me. I wish I could explain that with a reason. As stupid as it sounds, I have no clue. Maybe distance doesn't beget affection in all cases. Maybe in some cases the brain transfers the distant thing into the Fort of Forgetitude. It's of course, not entirely black and white - like everything else in life. I am somehow communicating regularly with few. Sure, the knot there is a bit frayed. But it's still there. 

Feeling being phased out slowly from the life of all my loved ones is a strange experience. There is nothing too big I can do about it. It took me this long to realize but for me, physical proximity matters in sustaining a relationship more than I thought it would. My thoughts are no longer the daring ''Always close. No matter what. No matter how far''. 

This is what makes me write again after two years. This is what makes me complain again. Yes, this promises to be a personal blog and the reason is simple:  Sometimes I am doing great, and I want to document an overwhelming happy experience. Sometimes I am not doing great, and I have to ventilate a bit. About everything. But mostly,  I am confused about everything in my life. This little blog has been transferring emotions from my head to the ''outside'' for ten amazing years. Having said all that, I feel I can go back to my work with a blank mind again. 

xx